The Day I walked out on Church - Discontent? Part 2

As I read the title I will post, I'm thinking, "Wow! What a turn this is taking on what I originally thought this change would bring!"  I usually try to present myself as a positive, hopeful person and I'm starting think, "What a downer!" 

Looking at the title again, I'm wondering what I am really feeling.  I'm not sure it is discontent as much as confusion, frustration, or something completely different.  I am hoping that as I put my thoughts into words that maybe it will all become clear.

This week a friend of mine, a wonderful lady that I've gotten to know through a new Bible Study, lost her husband suddenly.  He went into the hospital with pneumonia and dehydration on Thursday and he went to be with the Lord on early Saturday morning.  She asked for prayer from the beginning and several of us rallied around and began praying. He went through pretty much the same process my first husband did 16 years ago.  Turned to sepsis (my understanding is this is basically toxins in the blood - viral, bacteria, etc.), they tried dialysis, it didn't work, and everything went downhill from there.  In both cases, the body of believers rallied around and prayed and prayed, and trusted and trusted, and believed beyond hope.  In both cases, wonderful men of God went to heaven well before they should have.  Over the years, many other people have been prayed for in the same manner and have also gone before they should have.

16 years ago, I was told that it was God's will. God's plan. After months of trying to make sense of it in my new believer's mind.  I came to the point that I just needed to trust God in what happened.  I did not feel like praying and wasn't even sure why we would pray if God would just do His will anyway.  BUT I had read that God commands us to pray.  I decided for the time I would just obey and trust that He would someday allow me to understand it all. My life was better with Him than not with Him.

Over the years, I have come to the decision that it is not God's plan nor will to take a husband and father away from their family.  If we are His adopted children and he loves us more than we love our own children, why/how would he cause so much pain to his children.  We read research studies that tell how children thrive under a 2 parent household.  One with a mother and a father.  If God is the maker of this family, why destroy this?  No, I have thought long and hard on this and no, it is not God's plan nor will that they should die.  What is?  I am not sure, yet.  Some say this fallen world.  Some say Satan - the deceiver that comes to steal, kill and destroy. God does bring good out of the bad, but I can not come to the belief that He does that bad.

Logic would say that if it was not God's will they die, then it should be God's will that they live.  It would be His will or not, right?  If this is the case, then when we pray in Jesus' name, according to God's will, they should be healed, right?  As I have slowly read the scriptures over the years, and no I do not claim to be a theologian, all I have seen is that Jesus healed all their diseases.  He healed all that came to Him.  He healed all that touched His garments. He never failed once.  Then He blessed the disciples and sent them out to do the same and they did. So many today say that was for then and not now.  It was needed for them, but now we have the gospels and that is all that we should need.  Then why are we to lay hands on the sick and pray for them?  Are we not to expect that they would be healed?  Are we to only hope that it will comfort them while they die?  Then we should change our prayers from ones hoping for healing to just praying for their comfort!  That's what I want when I am not feeling well (please hear my sarcasm there).  So if we are to lay hands on people and pray for them to get well, we should expect, hope, have faith, that they will get well, right?  Then healing is not just for then, but for today. Please do not think that I am doing this - it is Jesus who is our healer.  Also, do not think that I believe I should get whatever I pray for, but only what is within God's will.

SO why do I continue to pray for people that are sick and it seems that they all die?  There have been many over the years and with each I puzzle it and in the end trust God and obey and move on.  UNTIL yesterday.  Maybe this one hit too close to home with it being the same path to the end, but I found myself grudgingly in church to begin with.  Trying to force my soul to worship God.  The God I do truly love.  Tears falling down my face.  Thinking that I shouldn't go up for communion, but then that I could get my spirit in the right place and take communion.  I finally found myself sitting in my chair with more tears not able to take the elements.  I have been taught to not take them if my relationship is not right with God or others.  My relationship was not right.  I tried to walk myself through all the steps to make it right and finally threw them in the garbage and walked out.  Told my husband that I was walking home (we live not too far, but far enough that walking is not a norm) and walked out the door. What does this mean? I don't know.  I don't feel mad, but more confused and ????????  I still came home and talked to God and cried out to Him, but I could not stay there any longer.  I love my church, my pastors, but ?????

After spilling my heart to our homegroup last night (yeah I was really looking forward to hosting that last night!), I felt better some how that many want/wonder the same things. But I still have no answers. Some things confirmed what I believed.  Some of the conversation challenged what I believe, but none sunk deep with long sought after answers.  Some may say, using Job, that we will not know until we reach heaven.  That God's ways are not our ways.  That does not seem to be enough for me.  Something seems broken in my faith or my faith is founded on something false.  It doesn't add up.  My logical computer programming brain will not allow me to accept this.  Maybe I am truly lost or maybe searching for something deeper and more meaningful.  I am hoping for the latter.

So sorry to any of you that are waiting for new recipes.  New cards which was suppose to be added as well as the joys of homeschooling, but I have been hijacked to a different topic for the time being.  I hope that you will walk with me through this.  I am not sure where it is going to lead at this point, but if God is in it, it should be good, right?

Discontent - Part 1

 So I changed the purpose of this blog.  Why?  I had a feeling that maybe I was more than just a baker.  I think I started the original blog because I wanted to be more than a mom.  Hmm...

I began thinking about what I would write about to begin the "change over".  I thought about different political issues, current events, homeschooling ideas, homeschooling concerns, issues about social morality, social injustice, etc...  I thought about all my feelings on many of these issues and found that they were all very negative and even hopeless.  I thought about the news and when I watch it, 99% of it is about murders, scandals, rape, deaths, bad decisions made by individuals, danger to people, the earth, the universe.  I began to see how discontented I am with not only my own life, but the life around me.  Where is the hope?  Where is the joy?

All of sudden, I was back in college (yes, that was a long time ago!).  I remember watching all the students rushing to class.  They were in such a hurry, they missed the lilacs that were in bloom, the smell of the fresh grass, the bright spring sunshine, and the beautiful blue sky.  I asked God at that moment to never let me be in such a hurry that I didn't take the time to take a deep breath and smell the roses as the saying goes.  Then I was brought to present and recalled the verse I am currently asking the kids to memorize.  Rom 15:13 "May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  Where had my joy and peace gone?  Where is my hope?

Now, I'm sure the extreme cold and the fact that I have officially hibernated until the temperature is consistently above 0 does not help the level of discontent in my life.  Someone will no doubt recommend taking some vitamin D or some time under a sun lamp.  I was thinking a trip to somewhere warm, but since the finances won't allow that, I will try to come up with ideas that will bring some joy, peace and hope into this house and thus into this blog.  Maybe a trip into Ecclesiastics?

Wish me luck!